Enjoying my break, and a little more in the Christmas Spirit than last year.

Even being a child of God, this time last year was awful.  Try as I might, I could not get in the spirit of Christmas.  I felt like a failure as a parent and life in general, but God is good and is always with us.  Sometimes we forget that or push it to the back of our hearts, so we can wallow in our sorrow.  I am thankful that God loves me as I am and where I am emotionally.  His grace is sufficient and abounding.

Here is what we finished last night.  We realized that we did not have any ornaments or decorations for the tree after the kids moved out and we gave them theirs.  So this is what we got after a couple trips to Walmart.

Right now, the only presents are from my mom, but I hope to get the rest wrapped tonight. 


Here is a gift that I made for a dear friend.  I used the same paper packet as the last one I made, but different ones.  The only things not CTMH are the ribbon, button and snowflake punch.  I think it turned out well.

Some bookmarks for her and her husband, since I am thankful that he lets her hang out with me.

I have also been reading while on break.  I have finished a few.  The House of Hope series by Neta Jackson, is really good.  Her husband Dave Jackson, has some parallel novels to go with it that I am waiting for from the library.  They are a continuation of the Yada Yada Prayer group series, that I highly reccomend.

 Very thankful for the library.  It keeps me up to date on what I want to read and makes me really think ahead about what I want to purchase for my own library.

Doing Some Creating

So we have a "Secret Snowman" exchange at work every year.  It has been a rough school year and I have not been very creative these last 6 months.  Anyway, I took the opportunity to be creative for my final exchange gift.  I saw the idea here Christmas Drink Caddy.  I think I did a fair homage to it.  I did have a fun time filling it, even though I did not get much information to go on for gifts.

All paper is CTMH, except for the notebook and pen.  The monogram stamp set is Martha Stewart.  I also found a great panoramic puzzle at the dollar store and a snowman ornament at Target.  Aaron ordered her drink caddy from this site  cardboard drink carrier, but I recycled a Sonic carrier.

The More I Study...

The more I delve into and study the word of God, the more I realize how deeply ingrained the law (some call it tradition) is in me.  I do not want to be there mind you,  I want the freedom of grace.  But I am stuck with that check list to mark off, I am stuck with what others think of me.  God is freeing me, but I hold on to what I know.  

I am thankful that there are churches out there, who are not stuck in tradition (law), that preach the word of God; of His love.  I am thankful that God has led me to such a church http://www.calvarystapleton.org.  I know that there are some, even in my own family, who will say  I am being led astray by this, but I know that this is from the Holy Spirit and I am willing to follow.  I am thankful that God loves me and is patient with my learning.  I am thankful that I have friends who encourage me. 

Why I started this blog

I actually started this, as I have said before as therapy.  It has become that and more.  It does help me and allows me to write my feelings, going's on or just post some of my other therapy, cards.

I am in a constant state of learning.  Learning how to prioritize, learning how to be a parent to adult children, learning how to be a better wife, the list goes on.  My biggest learning curve, though, has been learning about grace.  When I truly understand the gospel of grace, I believe the rest of the learning will fall properly into place.  

First of all, my priorities seem to be askew, because I am trying to make/keep them in the flesh.  Even though I know that it is wrong, I feel the need to not say no, and take on what everyone else feels I should be doing.  My work has become a task instead of a pleasure, and I know that is not what God intends.  My home is not a refuge, as it should be, because I have gotten behind in my duties there by working long hours and bringing work home.  This too has become a task.  I am defining myself by what others see me accomplish and take on.  I am not asking the Lord what He would have me do.


Secondly, my children and my husband are so foreign to me right now.  I do not know how to parent my children because I believe that I did such a bad job before they were adults.I look back at my feelings about how my children's choices had effected me and what people thought of me.  I am ashamed. I allowed others to influence what I thought my children should be.  If we looked good on the outside, then all was right.  My husband and I merely just exist in the same household and don't connect.  We existed for so many years by working and having the kids as a buffer, that we just keep working (which may be why I work long hours, to avoid what I don't know).  It is a vicious cycle.  

In my heart, I feel the grace of God.  I hear the message, but my head can not comprehend it.   I cannot wrap myself fully around it.  I know that I am letting my life experiences get in the way.  Instead I am letting myself be in bondage.  I am still in bondage to a cruel childhood.  In bondage to being under legalism for so many years. In bondage to all my failures and short comings.  I am thankful that God is opening my eyes to what grace is really about, but I need to let go of the baggage handles.  I am really good at putting on a mask; I have had many, many years of practice.  I know that these feelings and pretensions are not from God, so why won't I let go?  Maybe it is my procedural memory hindering me.  I have done it for so long, I don't know how.  I know that only God can free me of this. My heart and head just need to communicate better.

 

Finished with the Living Room

Wow, it has been a month since my last post.  Been very busy at work and home.  We took our time getting the living room back together.  I think that the result is what we were going for.  Not too matchy, but I think it all works together well.  Now off to the kitchen.

I didn't have to re-mat the picture my sister made for me.  There is burgundy in the chair to the left of it.  I love how this focal point is with the picture and the old quilt from Mike's grandma and mother.

 

Creativity in Many Ways

So now that we have our new furniture, we really needed to paint.  My brother blessed us with the paint and with his time to come over and texturize our walls.  At least he showed Josh how to do it and he really ran with it and did a fantastic job.  There are great advantages to having a tall son.  He did not have to stand on anything to do the ceiling.  For those of you who have been to our home, here is a glimpse of what is to come.

You can't quite tell the colors very well.  But that is a cream color on the ceiling and a green on the walls.  See the great texture.  If you remember our walls were a boring white and the baseboard were an ugly brown.  We also had icky carpet and uncovered hardwood floors.

I have also been making a card for a "shoebox swap".  Not traditional colors for Christmas, but I think it turned out ok.  It is all CTMH product.

 

How to cram a lot into 3 weeks of Summer

Since my last post many moons ago, I have been on vacation, albeit in the desert in the summer, replaced all my furniture in my living room, thanks to craigslist, and went to my first concert at Redrocks.

First of all, I had promised my mom to visit her during spring break.  That would have been a perfect time to be in Arizona, but it did not work out.  So plan B emerged and we ended up going during my short summer hiatus.  The coolest day was 109.  I guess it would be worth it to live there for the other nine months that are in the 80's.  Plus you can have flowers for that amount of time versus the 3 or 4 months we get them here.  I don't think I could move from Colorado again.  I would miss it too much. 

This is the view from my mom's front porch. She lives on my sister's property, which is an old west town.   Her residence is the General Store, which looks across to the Saloon.

One night, Mike and my brother-in-law, John, dug a pit (not an easy feat in desert clay).  They cooked a very large beef tip roast in the ground.  Man was that delicious.

Before we went on vacation, I cleared my living room.  Everything I had in there was a necessity purchase or a hand me down.  It did not reflect what I wanted for our home.  So when we got home, I started exploring www.craigslist.org and found my first pieces for $55.  That really started the ball rolling and Mike and I continued to look and had to agree on the pieces before purchasing.  

We ended up with a couch and matching chair (that first purchase), an overstuffed chair and ottoman for $35, a trunk for an end table for $40, a bookcase for $10 and another one that was $40.  It was fun searching and finding the pieces.  Other accent pieces and lamps were found at various thrift stores, on half price day of course.  I had the furniture professionally cleaned and we are getting ready to texturize the walls and paint.  I hope to have it all completed before my mom comes to visit me in the middle of September. 


The finale of the quick summer was my first concert at Redrocks.  The best venue to hear music and see the beauty of Colorado.  This was a birthday gift and I got to go hear REO Speedwagon and Pat Benetar.  It was a great ending to my short break.

Getting to Know One Another

The biggest part of being an empty nester, is getting to know my husband.  We really did not have that chance before marriage, as we met the end of December and were married the following April.  Our son was born  was born in September (no we did not get married because we had to, for those skeptics or naysayers).  We had planned on getting married in October, our son just moved up the date. We found out our daughter was on the way on our son's 2nd birthday.  So, needless to say, our life has been about our children from the beginning. At that time neither one of us knew Christ, but thankfully He knew us and was working His plan in our lives.  

We both look back and know, that without our children, we would not have worked on our marriage.  We also know that God placed us together to bring out the best in each other.  Now whether we do that or not, I'm sure is questionable amongst our friends.


When I started this blog, I was depressed because I felt like a failure.  Neither one of my children wanted to live in our home.  What had I done wrong, was all I could ask myself.  I did neglect my husband, because I was focused on my downfall as a mother.  God slowly pulled apart that thinking and is working on me to realize that my children are His and in His hands.  I am to pray for them, and physically be there for them, but He is the one that will mold them to His image.  My husband, is who I am to connect with and build a strong relationship.  It has been an interesting 8 months.  There are many things that we, even after being married for 22 years, are figuring out about each other.  But, I must say, I am beginning to enjoy the empty nest and getting to know one another as husband and wife, not mom and dad.

Mother's Day 2010

So today was a good day.  I am still not sure I like being the mother of "adult" children, but that is what I am and with Christ, will make the best of it.  Jordan came over and brought me this plant and a new watering can.

 Mike let me have fun at home depot, but not so much that we could do it all this weekend.  We will have to go back a few more times over the next few weeks to finish my flower beds.  It was a good start though.

Both barrels look the same.

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I got to get Sunflowers and butterflies in this year.  I hope to get more pots, all different, vibrant colors to do the rest of the flower beds.  Maybe even put a ring of flowers around the big tree in front.  This is just as much therapy as my craft room.  After finishing all this, Josh called and took us to the movies to see Iron Man 2. 
 

In Denial

I have been silent for a while and I chalked it up to being just too busy.  But in reality, I busied myself with other things because I was in denial about why I really started this blog.  I did it as a release for being an "unwanted" empty nester.  I still feel like a failure when it comes to my children.  What did I do to make them make the choices that they are making now?  Was I not strict enough, or too strict?  Did I force them to go to church and "act" a certain way, so that I would think they were on the path to salvation?  Did I do this for my own gratification, so that others would think I was a good parent?  Did I really do it to glorify God?  I still ask myself these questions daily.  

More than anything I want God to get hold of my children and shake their foundation, so they will seek Him.  But then I think, that He must do that to me as well.  I am in denial about where God is on my "importance" meter.  Yes I know who He is and that He sent His son to die for me.  But, do I really understand the whole concept of that?  I want to believe that I do.  I must face reality though.  I am playing the odds of still being a performance christian.

A Little Creative Time

So, I did not get as much creating done during Spring Break, but I still have 2 more days.  My muse seems to have left me lately, but here is what I came up with.  Not sure how I really like them.

Unsure what to call this

I am so tired of being hurt and angry all the time.  I know how to let it go, but it won't go.  I know who to let it go to, but I cannot release it.  I have been letting myself get involved with people who always manage to hurt me.  I rely that they are my friend, I open up and share, then they ignore my feelings or me altogether.  I guess that stems from always wanting everybody to like me.  Well that is not reality.  It is also why I have very few friends, and I wonder about them sometimes.  I know that when you put your faith in man, you will get burned, but don't we all feel the need to have someone that we can rely on and confide in that is here with us.  Didn't Jesus say to lift one another up and bear one another's burdens?

Getting off the Religious Merry Go Round (Part 1)

(This is a post that I started 2 months ago, but God stopped me from finishing.  I believe it is because I was writing out of hurt feelings and not allowing the Holy Spirit to direct me).

As I have shared before, I have been on a different journey for a while.  I have read scripture and some amazing books, trying to listen to what God was directing me to do.  I know that scripture interprets scripture.  You can read commentaries until the second coming and they are still going to be man's opinion of the scripture.  I also know that the man in the pulpit, is just that, a man.  I am not to blindly follow everything that comes from him, but to measure it to God's Word.  

That being said, I had been caught up in the "religious" Merry Go Round.  Meaning I had tried to keep earning my way to God, by doing good works.  When I didn't measure up, I got depressed and felt like a failure and unworthy of His love.  So I slapped Him in the face and told Him that dying on the cross, once and for all, was not good enough for me.  I had been caught up in performing for those around me and showing them that my works will show my worth.  I would repent, rededicate myself to Him, then when I failed again, the vicious cycle would start all over.  I have gotten off of that ride and I am now letting His Grace flow.  

I had an indication of being on that ride over five years ago, but dismissed the idea and the urging of the Holy Spirit.  I had always been in churches that succumbed to the "we are known by our fruits" philosophy.  On the surface, to a young christian, that seems reasonable.  But I now know that philosophy can quickly turn to legalism and rituals, if not presented to the new christian through His grace.  Grace is Jesus, not a doctrine that we learn.  I have been shown that over the last few months and it is very freeing.  I will write more about that at a later date.  Thanks for stopping by.

Blogging as I can

It is CSAP season and many late nights getting books ready and double checking schedules, have kept me from my blog.  I have also been trying to spend time with my husband because we don't see much of each other through the week.  But alas, I was able to make one card this weekend and catch up on the blogs I follow.  I would love to be able to craft more, but I have to have energy to be creative.  Spring break cannot come fast enough.

You cannot see it very well, but I used a Window Charm as the center of the Big Pink flower.  The paper is Topstitch and the stamp is from Card Commentary - Thank You.  That is the wonderful thing about Close to my Heart, the coordination makes the possibilities endless.

Valentine's Continued

So I woke up this morning to a beautiful snow covered world.  God is so good.  The white blanket of comfort.  I know a lot of people don't see it that way, but I do.  I am learning anyway.  I also woke up to another gift from Mike.  Josh Turner's new CD.  

I like Country Music, and he is one of my favorites.  So it was a nice surprise.

I also made Mike this card to go with the belt sander he got, along with a magnetic LED lantern and some new gloves.  

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I am not going to share the inside, because I forgot to take a picture of it before I signed it, and that is private.  Have a wonderful Valentine's Day.

Valentine's 2010

For 22 years, I have been blessed with a husband, who tries his best to let me know that he loves me.  I just don't always hear it or receive it, because I am not paying attention.  I am not hearing his "Love" language.  He is more than patient with me and still loves me despite my shortcomings.  

For the last few months, we have been learning to love each other through God's eyes, and let me tell you, that is the most amazing kind of love.  It is indescribable.  I really can say I love him more today than the day we married.  And that is how love should be.  It is a deeper and more meaningful love then the beginning of our marriage.  

Today he gave me the most beautiful roses.  They were perfect.  He sent them to my work.  When I called Mike to thank him, he told me that he had always wanted to give me a dozen roses, but it was extravagant and we could always find more practical things to do with the money.  Well now, this our first Valentine's as empty nesters, is very meaningful.  He was telling me I was worth the extravagance to him, we could be practical later.

A Girl's Night of Play

When my friend, Marie, e-mailed me and asked me to come over to play, I did not jump on the opportunity.  I was at work and focused on getting the day over with.  Then I got home and texted her that I would still like to come over and "play".  Long story short, it was lots of fun and good company.  We tried to show each other new techniques, but never got around to the one we originally wanted to do.  I only created one card, but I loved it from the start.  That is hard for me, because I usually modify it 12 times or more.  This is the same fold as the one I posted last night, but I created it.  The other one was already created and I just copied it at my stamp meeting.  

I used Veranda paper, Happy Birthday and Embrace Life.  The paper flower is a technique that we modified with the punch that Marie had.  I think it turned out pretty good.