In Denial

I have been silent for a while and I chalked it up to being just too busy.  But in reality, I busied myself with other things because I was in denial about why I really started this blog.  I did it as a release for being an "unwanted" empty nester.  I still feel like a failure when it comes to my children.  What did I do to make them make the choices that they are making now?  Was I not strict enough, or too strict?  Did I force them to go to church and "act" a certain way, so that I would think they were on the path to salvation?  Did I do this for my own gratification, so that others would think I was a good parent?  Did I really do it to glorify God?  I still ask myself these questions daily.  

More than anything I want God to get hold of my children and shake their foundation, so they will seek Him.  But then I think, that He must do that to me as well.  I am in denial about where God is on my "importance" meter.  Yes I know who He is and that He sent His son to die for me.  But, do I really understand the whole concept of that?  I want to believe that I do.  I must face reality though.  I am playing the odds of still being a performance christian.