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The more I delve into and study the word of God, the more I realize how deeply ingrained the law (some call it tradition) is in me. I do not want to be there mind you, I want the freedom of grace. But I am stuck with that check list to mark off, I am stuck with what others think of me. God is freeing me, but I hold on to what I know.
I am thankful that there are churches out there, who are not stuck in tradition (law), that preach the word of God; of His love. I am thankful that God has led me to such a church http://www.calvarystapleton.org. I know that there are some, even in my own family, who will say I am being led astray by this, but I know that this is from the Holy Spirit and I am willing to follow. I am thankful that God loves me and is patient with my learning. I am thankful that I have friends who encourage me.
I actually started this, as I have said before as therapy. It has become that and more. It does help me and allows me to write my feelings, going's on or just post some of my other therapy, cards.
I am in a constant state of learning. Learning how to prioritize, learning how to be a parent to adult children, learning how to be a better wife, the list goes on. My biggest learning curve, though, has been learning about grace. When I truly understand the gospel of grace, I believe the rest of the learning will fall properly into place.
First of all, my priorities seem to be askew, because I am trying to make/keep them in the flesh. Even though I know that it is wrong, I feel the need to not say no, and take on what everyone else feels I should be doing. My work has become a task instead of a pleasure, and I know that is not what God intends. My home is not a refuge, as it should be, because I have gotten behind in my duties there by working long hours and bringing work home. This too has become a task. I am defining myself by what others see me accomplish and take on. I am not asking the Lord what He would have me do.
Secondly, my children and my husband are so foreign to me right now. I do not know how to parent my children because I believe that I did such a bad job before they were adults.I look back at my feelings about how my children's choices had effected me and what people thought of me. I am ashamed. I allowed others to influence what I thought my children should be. If we looked good on the outside, then all was right. My husband and I merely just exist in the same household and don't connect. We existed for so many years by working and having the kids as a buffer, that we just keep working (which may be why I work long hours, to avoid what I don't know). It is a vicious cycle.
In my heart, I feel the grace of God. I hear the message, but my head can not comprehend it. I cannot wrap myself fully around it. I know that I am letting my life experiences get in the way. Instead I am letting myself be in bondage. I am still in bondage to a cruel childhood. In bondage to being under legalism for so many years. In bondage to all my failures and short comings. I am thankful that God is opening my eyes to what grace is really about, but I need to let go of the baggage handles. I am really good at putting on a mask; I have had many, many years of practice. I know that these feelings and pretensions are not from God, so why won't I let go? Maybe it is my procedural memory hindering me. I have done it for so long, I don't know how. I know that only God can free me of this. My heart and head just need to communicate better.
