Why I should make this A New Season

Since my last post, I completely broke down.  I let the enemy win the battle.  I have since regrouped and sought help.  Biblical and scriptural help, not physcobabble.  I pray that God will show me what and where He wants me to go during this "trial".

It has also put upon me, that this is a New Season of my life.  As a parent it is hard not to live for our children, but there does come a time that they are adults.  I have focused for so long on them, that I have neglected myself and my husband.  I want to learn how to take care of myself to be the best wife I can be for my husband.  I desire to learn more about him and to come along side him.  We both want to get healthier.  We both want to reconnect with each other.  Almost 22 years of marriage, and most of that has been with children.  We have not learned how to be a couple.  With God, I know that these things can come to pass.  I just need to keep my focus on what God has in store for me.

The day my heart broke

On October 23rd of this year, my world fell apart.  I had just spent two hours showing my child how a person in their life was trying to manipulate them and make them live their life according to that person's control.  My child is/was blinded and did not see it.  My child chose to go down a path that is uncharacteristic of them.  I know that I cannot live their life for them, but I just wanted to lock them up until they saw what I was seeing.  That child turned their back on family and friends in order for a season to be "happy".  I have questioned myself everyday since, what could I have done differently in raising my child?  Did I not love them enough?  Did I not show them the love of God enough?  What did I do to make this child this way?  I know that my child has free will to make their choices, but how did I influence those choices?  Was I such a bad mother that they sought out this person to fill a void?  Only God knows what is going on and how He is going to use it for His good.  I have to trust that, but my mother's heart still hurts.

Just Dealing

I left work early today because I was sick.  I don't do that very often, I usually just work through it.  I know that the last few days of sub zero temperatures and sitting by a door that opens constantly had something to do with it.  But I also know that I am physically sick because I have a broken heart.  I am physically run down because I have let a situation steal my joy that I have in Christ.  God knows that I have allowed this, so there is no reason to lie to myself or others.  He is here holding me and letting me cry, but there are still consequences, hence I am sick. 

I have no idea where this blog will lead, but it is a theraputic form of putting in writing what I feel.  It is out there and it makes me deal with it. 

How should I have reacted...

Today my child told me that they were not returning to school next semester because it was too hard.  What I heard was, I don't want to work and go to school because then I will have no time for what I want to do.  How you and dad have brought me up with a hard work ethic means nothing.  I reacted badly.  This child has caused me so many sleepless nights and many many tears because of the path that they are on right now.  They cannot see the big picture and are choosing to live in the now.  One thing I have always told my children is that I have been in their shoes, but they have not been in mine as a parent.  Their dad and I really do know what we are talking about.  We both had adult lives before we accepted God's gift of salvation and grace.  We did not want them to have that heartache, so we thought we brought them up in the admonition of the Lord.  But they have to accept the gift themselves, I cannot do that for them.

I do know that the only thing I can consistantly do for my adult children is pray for them as well as myself.  For God to bring us to a place where we hear His truth and connect with Him and each other.

New to the Blog World

I have been encouraged by a good friend to start this. I am not a writer or very tech savvy, but I do appreciate her encouragement. I am in a new season of my life and I am joyful and meloncholy. Writing and organizing thoughts, I hope, will be very theraputic for me. My husband and I have recently, though not willingly, become empty nesters. This is also a new season in my journey with Christ. He has continued loving me to Himself for over 21 years and for that I am grateful.

Hopefully soon, I will get this whole blog thing figured out and share more. But for now this is all I have. Thanks for stopping by.